Dealing With Parental Guilt: Is it Normal & How Do I Cope?
As a new parent, if you've had to work more than you'd like or you've found yourself skipping a bathtime here and a lovingly read story there in exchange for getting to bed 5 minutes earlier yourself, you'll be familiar with parental guilt.
As a new parent, if you've had to work more than you'd like or you've found yourself skipping a bathtime here and a lovingly read story there in exchange for getting to bed 5 minutes earlier yourself, you'll be familiar with parental guilt.
We've all had to make parenting decisions that aren't our first choice but are the best thing to do in the circumstances.
From letting them have more screen time than is recommended so you can get one more load of washing done to bribing them with chocolate when they just won't listen, feelings of guilt can pop up out of nowhere.
Thankfully, there are things you can do to alleviate these feelings and protect your emotional health.
What is Parental Guilt?
Parental guilt is the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt that many parents experience when they believe they have not met their own or others' expectations regarding their children's upbringing.
This emotion often arises from the pressure to be perfect and the fear of making mistakes that could negatively impact their child's future. It can stem from various sources, such as...
- Balancing work and family life
- Comparing oneself to other parents
- Regretting decisions made in the past
Is Parenting Guilt Normal?
Feelings of guilt are a completely normal emotion if you’re a parent, and it really is such a personal thing.
Personally, I like the “some but not all” approach. Many parents will experience guilt, but not all parents will.
There’s no right or wrong when it comes to how you should or shouldn’t feel. It’s different for everyone. Like I said, it’s personal! I don’t know how it feels for you, and neither would I want to assume, but what I do know is that if you do feel guilty:
- Your feelings are very real and valid
- These feelings are natural and normal
- You're not alone or the only parent to experience these feelings
I see feelings of guilt come up a lot with the parents I see in my practice, especially around sleep.
Things to Remember When You're Feeling Parental Guilt
When you feel the familiar tug of parental guilt, there are a few important things you need to remember to stop everything from getting on top of you.
#1 You're Not a Bad Parent
Having to work or not getting your little one to bed at the same time every night does not make you a bad parent.
Many parents find themselves juggling numerous responsibilities, such as balancing work commitments and parenting duties, and it's important to acknowledge that this is part of modern life.
The reality is that providing for your family financially and adapting your parenting to fit around those responsibilities doesn't diminish your value as a parent. It's essential to give yourself grace and understanding; your efforts and intentions speak volumes about your dedication, even if everything doesn’t always go to plan.
Remember, your love and care are what truly define your role as a parent, and as your baby grows, they'll understand the dynamic and the sacrifices you made.
#2 You're Not Alone
Sometimes, it can help to speak to other parents to gain some perspective and realise that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I've spoken to some popular Mumfluencers who know just how you're feeling, and they've shared their pearls of wisdom to help you move past it.
Clare Fisher - Mum of Two
Mother of two Clare Fisher of @traveltheworldfamily says of her experience with parenting guilt,
“As a busy mum that runs a business from home with two children, a pup, and a baby on the way; parenting guilt was all too familiar for me at the beginning when I tried to maintain the success I had achieved before becoming a mum.”
“Now, my absolute main priority is being a mum. Looking after these little human beings who rely totally on me is the most important job. Nothing comes before it, and for that reason, I very rarely feel parenting guilt these days. I still feel it sometimes, but over the years, I have stopped beating myself up because I am a human being who is only able to do my best.”
Clare also speaks about taking a balanced approach to life and parenting, “I have learned the importance of carving out allocated time for work and mum duties, to ensure that neither is neglected, as well as always being prepared for the unexpected with kids. We always make sure we do fun things, making memories, which helps us all to feel like we make the most of our time together.”
“Yes, I could work harder, yes, I could put more hours in, yes, I could earn more money and be more dedicated, but I can’t get this time back with them.”
“I want them to remember that I was there to pick them up from school and take them to the park afterwards. I want them to remember my face in the crowd at their school plays, I want them to remember the home-cooked meals I made them with love. I may not be as successful in my career as some, but me and my babies are happy, and that’s what matters the most.”
Stacey - Founder of Tilly and Sage & Mum of Three!
Founder of homeware brand Tilly and Sage and mother of three Stacy says,
“Having had twins seven weeks ago, I often have major parenting guilt because I don’t have two pairs of hands, and can’t always give both girls the attention they need. I think they’ll grow up with patience being one of their key skills. They’ll have to!”
Giovanna Fletcher - Mum of Three!
Giovanna @mrsgifletcher said on her parenting blog:
“The love of a mother is complex, yet consistent and unwavering. I’ve found it isn’t simply looking at their faces and wanting to kiss them endlessly. It’s a tickling sensation around the edges of your heart as you watch him master how to use a spoon. It’s your insides melting as he shows kindness to another child. It’s the sheer panic and horror when you think he might be hurt.”
“And it’s feeling that mum guilt. There’s a very good reason you’re smacked with mum guilt as soon as you discover you’re pregnant, and that is because you want what is best for your child. You want him to be loved, safe and happy, and so you spend forever questioning whether you’re achieving that.”
“A pregnant friend of mine has recently reached her due date. It made me think back to the later stages of my first pregnancy (I didn’t quite get to that point, as Buzz was almost three weeks early), and I realised that those last few weeks, when most women are frantically walking around trying to get their baby in the optimum position for labour, are probably the last bit of guilt-free alone time most mums will ever have.”
#3 Social Media Isn't Real
It’s crucial for new mums (and dads!) to remember that social media isn't real and shouldn't be the benchmark for parenting and family life.
Platforms like Instagram and Facebook are often showcases of life's most polished moments, meticulously curated to highlight perfection.
It's easy to fall into the comparison trap, believing that other parents have it all together while you’re struggling. I'll hold my hands up and admit that I've been there myself!
However, these picture-perfect snapshots don't capture the late nights, messy houses, or the emotional rollercoaster that comes with parenting. Recognising this can help prevent unnecessary feelings of inadequacy and guilt.
Your journey as a parent is unique, and what works for your family may differ vastly from what you see online.
How to Cope With Parental Guilt & Putting It Into Perspective
Of course, as parents, we'll all feel a pang of parental guilt from time to time. It's just the way it is.
But there are things you can do to put things into perspective if you feel like mum guilt is starting to overwhelm you.
No One's a Perfect Parent
The concept of a perfect parent is a myth; it simply doesn't exist. Every parent makes mistakes and faces struggles, regardless of how polished their life might appear from the outside. Each stumble and each challenge is part of the journey of parenting, where every day presents new lessons to learn.
It's important to have compassion for yourself and recognise that perfection isn't the goal. Rather, it's your efforts, intentions, and the love you provide that matter the most. Embracing your imperfections allows you to grow, both as an individual and as a parent.
So, cut yourself some slack, appreciate your accomplishments, and remember that doing your best is more than enough.
Be kind to yourself because parenting is a tough job, and you're doing great.
Children Will Always Misbehave
As parents, it's crucial to understand that there will always be ups and downs in your child's behaviour, especially when you hit the toddler phase. These inconsistencies have very little to do with perfect sleep schedules or the right amount of mum and baby groups you attend.
Toddlerhood is a time of rapid development, independence-seeking, and boundary-testing, all of which naturally contribute to behavioural fluctuations. It's important to remember that these ups and downs are a normal part of growing up.
It's not an indication that you're doing something wrong if your child has a tantrum in the supermarket or refuses to eat their vegetables.
These moments are part of your child's natural process of learning to navigate the world. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on providing love, stability, and appropriate guidance, knowing that these behaviours are just a phase and that things will improve with time.
Your Mental Health Matters Too!
As a parent, it's vital to recognise that your mental health is just as important as sticking to naptime schedules or any other aspect of your child's routine. Parenting is an incredibly demanding role, and constantly striving to meet every expectation can take a toll on your well-being.
You're not a robot; you're a human who needs rest, compassion, and support. Taking care of your mental health is not only beneficial for you but also crucial for your child's overall development and happiness.
It's essential to make self-care a priority and, even more important, not to feel guilty about it! If you're constantly thinking about what you could be doing for your baby when trying to take a relaxing bath, it's not going to have the intended effect.
Be mindful of the signs of postnatal depression, a serious condition that can impact new parents. If you experience persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or overwhelming fatigue, don’t wait to seek professional help.
Don't Forget to Breathe!
When it all feels like too much, remember to breathe! Allow yourself the time to get back into the rhythm of things when your little one's needs and habits shift, and remember that as one routine changes, another begins!
Whether your guilt or worry comes from one place or several, parenthood is all about learning what works and adapting as your children grow. And trust me, when you take better care of yourself, you’ll almost certainly be better able to take care of your little ones.
Finding it Hard to Jilt the Parental Guilt?
If you’re struggling to jilt the guilt, consider the three top suggestions that have helped me when I'm feeling parental guilt and will hopefully help you too:
- Ask yourself, is this honestly working for you and your baby? If it’s working for you, all is well. That's all that matters.
- Acknowledge how you’re feeling but try not to pay too much attention to it. Try to think of the feeling as a cloud. Say hello to the cloud, but then let it drift slowly on by!
- 3Reassure yourself that this feeling is normal, that you are not alone, and that it’s temporary. Most feelings pass, given a bit of time!
Key Takeaways: How to Cope With Parenting Guilt
Parenting guilt is perfectly normal, but your primary responsibility is to create a happy, healthy environment for you and your baby. Focusing on your child's well-being and your own mental health is crucial.
Remember, providing love, stability, and care far outweighs striving for unattainable perfection. Trust in your abilities and know that doing your best is enough.
Discover more tips and advice for navigating the world of parenting on the Sleep Talk blog from Snüz. You can also find nursery furniture recommendations to kit out your new arrival's room through every stage.
FAQs
Yes, children can sense parental guilt through our behaviour and emotional responses. They pick up on non-verbal cues like our tone of voice and body language.
It's important to manage these feelings constructively to avoid affecting their emotional well-being and to set a healthy example, especially as they get older.
Mum guilt stems from the pressure to be a perfect parent, often fueled by societal expectations and comparisons with others. It involves feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
Recognising and accepting these emotions as normal can help in managing them effectively. Prioritising self-care is essential for mental well-being.
Parent guilt syndrome refers to the pervasive feeling of inadequacy and self-blame parents experience when they believe they're failing to meet societal or personal expectations.
This condition often involves overthinking and emotional distress, impacting mental health and potentially affecting family dynamics. Recognising and addressing these feelings is crucial for well-being.
Mum guilt is feeling inadequate as a parent, often due to societal pressures or personal expectations. Mum shame, however, involves feelings of worthlessness and humiliation, usually prompted by external criticism or judgement. While guilt focuses on actions, shame attacks one's sense of self-worth.
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